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The Dark Queen of Happyland
20 entries back

Date:2005-08-11 13:42

drquuxum suggested to repost the following if I believe homophobia is wrong. Which I do.



"I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I
wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love."

Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong.

(catch a falling star)

Date:2005-08-10 11:41
Subject:Good times
Mood: content

I'm having a pretty good week so far. Monday I took a long walk and talked with my brother a lot. Then we made hummus, which we took to dinner last night at R&J's. I found a shirt on monday that I had cut out but not sewn, and since I was bored and the sewing machine is broken, I hand-stitched it. I wore it to dinner last night, and it was a hit- people couldn't keep their hands off of me. It's this lovely blue, and it's off-the-shoulder. The hummus also seemed to be a hit, which I was really happy about, since I had never before attempted to make hummus.
Today, I walked up to the library and I'm chatting away happily with friends. I kinda miss blackpaladin, but I'm staying busy, so I don't have much time to do that. I'm sure he's having the time of his life.

(5 glowing hands | catch a falling star)

Date:2005-08-03 08:51
Mood: cheerful

So I've had a pretty good couple of days. The summer reading program, which I've been doing a lot with for the last few weeks, ended yesterday. They gave me a box of candy and a gift certificate, which totally surprised me- but it was nice to know they appriciate me.
I'm at blackpaladin's again. I'm really going to miss him the 2 weeks he's gone.(For those who don't know, he's going to Pennsic, an SCA event.)
Yeah, not much else is new. *shrug*

(catch a falling star)

Date:2005-07-26 10:42
Subject:Flying high
Mood: still high on my NRE

The past two weeks it's like nothing can get me down. I might as well be on drugs for the stupid grin on my face. The reason for this is easy to guess. We had a nice date last night (nice barely begins to cover it, but I can't think of a more descriptive term), and he loaned me a few books on heraldry for the activity I'm doing today with the kids here at the reading program.
I had a good weekend hanging out with the family- babysitting my 4-year-old cousin on Saturday, and a family picnic on Sunday. Tonight, of course is dinner at Jenn's.
I only hope I don't start walking into walls. :D

(2 glowing hands | catch a falling star)

Date:2005-06-03 14:03
Mood: crazy

Tagged by wayfarer
Things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play. What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list, post it to your journal... and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it to theirs.

1.) Hanging out in a library- any library.
2.) Singing out loud to whatever's on the radio, sometimes when I don't know the lyrics.
3.) Being a total geek- such as covering up where it says "Pennsylvania" on my new keychain with a sticker that says "Septempontia".
4.) Reading almost anything.
5.) Walking, especially to visit old tunnels.


(catch a falling star)

Date:2005-05-26 13:56
Mood: cheerful

Wherein I go crazy and save the Universe with a Spam GeneratorCollapse )

(catch a falling star)

Date:2005-05-13 13:43
Mood: nervous, but happy, but sad

Ok, so I'm nervous. I have a tiny little solo, and the only thing I can think is that I'm going to fall on my face as I mount the steps to the podium I'm using. I can totally imagine it. Flawless practices make me even more nervous.

I guess I'm focusing on this because it's easier to. I don't want to focus on the other things like the fact that I'm leaving. I'm just trying to put the sad stuff out of my head, and stick with the happies. If only the sads would stay the heck out.

Moving on is something I've always had trouble with. The thought of giving things up sits badly with me. I wish I knew what was next for me, so I'd have firsts to look forward to.

Keep me and my whatever's next in your prayers.
I'll update when I can.
God Bless.

Oh, and:

The University of Blogging

Presents to

An Honorary
Bachelor of

Majoring in
Dr. GoQuiz.com


Blogging Degree
From Go-Quiz.com

(4 glowing hands | catch a falling star)

Date:2005-05-12 13:09
Subject:More normal, less cryptic
Mood: touched

So today is the last day of just hanging out, I suppose. A group of us went to this great greasy spoon called Sonny Boy for lunch, and it was fun.
I think it's finally beginning to hit me how much I'm going to miss all of this, and more importantly, all of these people.
Oddly, I'm not crying.

Tonight is Graduation Practice, so we'll walk the walk for the first time. I already visited the gym to deliver the drum set and such, and it looks fabulous. After practice, there's the Senior Banquet. I'm not sure what purpose it serves, but I'm putting in the guess that I'll be crying at the end. (*note to self- take tissues*)
Tomorrow is Baccalaureate Mass. This is one I understand, and possibly the more meaningful of the weekend's events. I get to cantor the Gloria, a capella.(Sqeeeee!) This both excites and frightens me, because I've done it flawlessly at every practice, which can be the precursor to disaster. After the mass, there's a reception. I don't know if I'll stay for long, or what, but hopefully I can hang with my friends and everything will be fine. Much crying will likely ensue.
Friday night has been declared sleep-free by Kirsten, and I might go along with it. I dunno.
Saturday morning is the big day, the culmination of 19 years of education, 4 focused totally on this goal. Graduation is looking right now like a long, boring ordeal, and I hope I can pay attention to the speaker. Then I move out.

After Saturday, those who only read this journal will likely not hear from me for a while, as my mother's computer is dead, and I'll have no easy access to another one.

I've said this many times over the past weeks, but thank you all for everything. I wouldn't be here without you.

(2 glowing hands | catch a falling star)

Date:2005-05-12 10:42
Mood: penitent and hopeful

More than boys, I stink sometimes.
Like when I take outside frustrations out on friends who really don't mean to hurt me.
I only hope I didn't apologize too late. Losing a friend to something like this would be worse than leaving the ones here.

I've realized I've really been a bitch to everyone the past few days, and very self-centered. Please forgive me, and don't be afraid to call me on it, and remind me that it's not all about me. I might blow up at you, but I promise to come crawling back.

Thank you all for your patience with me. I have some amazing friends, and hope you all realize how special you all are, both to me, and just because you are.

May God bless you all.

(catch a falling star)

Date:2005-05-10 13:48
Subject:Lessons I should have learned long ago.
Mood: cynical but sad

Boys stink. No matter how old and mature you think a man is, there's still a stinky boy inside of him that will show up now and again to upset you.

(8 glowing hands | catch a falling star)

Date:2005-05-08 15:18
Mood: silly

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

How do they know all this from a bunch of questions about animals?

I did the silly statistics thingCollapse )

(1 glowing hand | catch a falling star)

Date:2005-05-08 14:55
Mood: church-y

So today is going to be primarily a lazy day.
I went to mass, and hung out with Mom and Grandma, who came down to hang out and hear my choir. We had brunch in the B-room, and then I loaded a few things into Mom's van and sent them off. I have mass tonight at which I will be an altar server for possibly the last time in my life.
That's a really odd thought.

Yesterday kicked ass. We had breakfast at Q's house to celebrate her birthday (late), and it was really amazing. I can't think of a better way to have started Senior week.

I'm just not sure what I'm going to do. I feel like my life here has been my real life, and anything beyond this isn't going to measure up.

To all my friends in Pittsburgh: I'm going to be a drag when I first arrive. Be patient with me. I'm sure I'll return to my sunny self with time and encouragement. Thanks.

(catch a falling star)

Date:2005-05-06 13:46
Subject:That's it
Mood: satisfied

I'm done.
I just wrote my last essay, turned in my last final, and walked away.

I'm numb.
I don't know if it's good or bad that I'm not bawling. I'm gonna go with good because tears look bad on me.

I think the most important thing I take from college is the thirst for knowledge and an addiction to expanding my horizons. If I ever stop learning, I'll be dead.

Thank you to every one of you. Even if we've had all of one conversation, I couldn't have done it without you. I love you all.

Now to get through Senior week and graduation.
Then comes the real world.

(1 glowing hand | catch a falling star)

Date:2005-05-05 01:15
Subject:drunken post number 2
Mood: drunk

I'm drunk, and I didn't even have that much. But what I had, I had fast and one after another.

I was reflecting too much this eveninging on the last time I was drunk... and on how many damn dead animals were in the bar. What's with that? stupid thing heads.

I have work tomorrow at 11:30. (actually, that's today...) I also have two finals left, but they're on friday. *crack neck*

Thank goodness for gentlemen that walk me home.

Margaret said she'd be there at 8:30, wasn't. I went back at nearly 10, and there she was. And we hung out til she left without me when she said she wouldn't. But there was Curt to walk me home- yay.

my face is numb. I must be drunker than I was at last blast, because I could most definately feel my face then.

I should go to bed. I hope everybody else had a great Wednesday night.

PS tee hee... the drunk mood icon is silly...

(2 glowing hands | catch a falling star)

Date:2005-05-04 14:15
Subject:Finals week
Mood: jittery

2 down and 2 to go.

I just took my online final, but as like half the questions are essay kind of stuff, don't know my grade yet. I took the Greek one on Monday, and I have 2 scheduled for Friday. So, I'm both temperally and in tests, standing in the middle of my finals week.

I should go sell back a couple of books.

Oh! And as of this morning, I owed the school $0.00. That feels really good. Minor things like dorm charges could still get added- but they should be small.

I'm gearing up for the real world, but have no solid idea of what I'm going to do in it. I'm looking, at the moment, for a temporary job so I can move out, get on my feet- then start at grad school. That may seem a bit unrealistic, but I know I need to move out as soon as I can. Mom and I aren't going to do well living with each other again.

So, I'm scared out of my mind about what's going to happen next. I just don't know.

(catch a falling star)

Date:2005-05-01 15:37
Subject:Random but fun.
Mood: optimistic

I should be studying.
So... I'm going back to that now.

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(catch a falling star)

Date:2005-04-29 15:30
Mood: nostalgic

So, my undergrad years are drawing to a close.

I'm both ecstatic and dejected at this idea. I mean, I'm really glad to be getting out of school, but I don't want to go. This place has been my home more than home for the past 4 years. My friends here have become my family more than family. I've learned and changed so much, and it scares me to be going out into the "real world" now.

It feels like just the other day that I first walked into Iggy 404 and found a note on my bed from "Julianna", my mysterious roommate for Freshman Orientation. Little did I know that she, and the boys we met playing pool, and so many others would become my best friends, the family of my heart. The thought of going on makes me want to cling, but as they're all going, it hardly helps to stay.

And yet, I'm done. With the support and love of both my "real" family and my friends here, I've accomplished more than most of the people in my family have, and in a certain way, I'm ready to move on. I need to go out and be the person I've been talking about being, the person all of this training has been for. I know that no matter what, that mysterious roommate turned best pal and so many others will be with me forever, if only in spirit and memory and over the phone. I have to go out into the world. The chrysalis is opening, and I feel the tear as if it were my flesh. But I find myself with new, wet wings that will soon dry, I will unfurl, and they will carry me to places I could never have reached at the crawling pace I used before.

I send my deepest thanks to everyone who's been a part of this transformation in me- whether I've known you all my life, or I met you last week- I would not be the same without you.

(catch a falling star)

Date:2005-04-28 14:24
Mood: weird

So, there's very little going on in my world lately. I turned in my last paper yesterday, and have a bit of reading left to do- but I've got a lot of time to waste. I've been having lots of deep conversations with people, and getting lots of sage advice- but really, who wants me to write all about that? So on to the memes!

Silliness behind the cut...Collapse )

(catch a falling star)

Date:2005-04-27 10:16
Subject:Second update, so it doesn't get lost in the silliness
Mood: chipper

Comment here with your name and I'll tell you something I admire about you. Afterwards, copy and paste this into your own journal.

(2 glowing hands | catch a falling star)

Date:2005-04-27 10:13
Subject:Silly memes
Mood: cheerful

Cut to prevent clutterCollapse )

(catch a falling star)

my journal